Tired and sleepy... But I can't sleep! I hate days like these...

Is it too late to quit now?

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Love is when you could just be yourself with a girl,when you let her into your world. When you don't have to think, you just be. There is never a dull moment and you never run out of things to talk about. When your with her, your a better you, you feel spontaneous, you find a sense of humor you never thought you had. Where everyone hates and you don't give a s**t because all you need is her. Where you love her flaws just as much as you love her qualities. When you skip an entire day of school just to stay in bed with her. When you make something together or work on a passion that you both share. Love is when weeks turn into month, months turn into years and it all goes by in a second and you have no regrets and the 1 or two bad days are considered as good days.

“i wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. not fuck, like in those movies. not even have sex. just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. but i lacked the courage, and she has a boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and i was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. so i walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, i was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

I'm currently having problems at work...
Sometimes, its just too much for me to handle...
All by myself.
I'm fighting a losing battle with no back-up at all.

How do I deal with these massive egos and hypocrites around me?
Talking about me behind my back...
It used to be easier back then...
Now, I just let them win.

I will get through this...
I always do.

Conversations #1

Juraimi: You smell very nice... What perfume are you using?

Girl: Victoria Secret...

Juraimi: Oh... So that's what it is.... I was always wondering what it was... A lot of girls seem to like to use it too...

Girl: Is it?

Juraimi: Yeah... So tell me why do you like it so much?

Girl: Hmmm... All I can say is that its simply marvellous!

Juraimi: Really?

Girl: Yup!

Juraimi: Simply Marvellous.....

END

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.

No I didn't forget what happened, I just decided to MOVE ON, that my life wasn't WORTH WASTING away at the thought of possibilities, false hopes and unsettled endings. I stopped waiting around for you to start CLOSING doors, and just confronted every lock and key all on my own. And no I didn't find any answers I was satisfied with, but I found myself, and that's all that matters.

Its been a couple of weeks now... I still feel like crap... Don't know whats wrong with me. People at work are trying to be difficult but I don't want to get involved. But if I don't, I'll end up suffering instead... Things will be better... I'm sure of it.... :)

Stopped by the train station near my workplace to meet up with an old friend and try to do some catching up. We talked about some general stuff... He informed me recently that an old friend of mine was involved in an accident...

It was her...

Seriously, I didn't know how to react... Plus the funny look the guy was giving me, as if he was looking for some kind of reaction from me... He told me that she was hurt pretty bad but her boyfriend was alright. I don't know if I want to believe it or not...

Right now, I'm feeling very angry and concerned with her... I hope she's feeling better and doing well. Pray that she'll have a speedy recovery....

Why do I still have these feelings for her?

At the end of the day... I should have no regrets. I am where I am. Simply because I made the choice to be there. There are some things in life that you can't control. But in the end, you are where you are because of your actions that you wanted to make.

Happy birthday to me... How old am I now?? Sigh... Thanks to all for those who remembered and to those who didn't, well....

I finally settled my court case... I'm so relieved to get that out of the way.

Faris has finally left again but this time for national service. Its always sad to see someone you know go. Good luck to him. I'm sure he'll find the experience very useful. And in the end that leaves only me. Just me. All by myself. Last man standing... Again. Yeah, its all coming back to me... I have to start over again...

Jobs are so hard to get nowadays... They need somebody who is "suitable" or "right" for the job. Whats that suppose to mean? All I need is a chance to show what I can do but now I'm not even going to get that chance. Anybody willing to take a chance on me?

People who use me to get what they want should just DIE. People who also suck up to their superiors should also DIE. You know you are one of them...

Somebody has to teach me the art of moving on. I just can't do it no matter how hard I try... The girl is not even in my life anymore but I still can't forget her. Every song playing on the radio reminds me of her. I just.... can't stop thinking about you...

Today's prayer goes a little something like this,"God, if I can't be happy, that's OK. I probably deserve it. But please make those whom I care about happy."

You were my closest friend the one I could tell everything to and you would never laugh. Then it happend the connection that changed everything I fell too fast for you and you had no idea. I thought you liked me that way too. The way you used to look at me made me feel so wonderful, you have no idea what it felt like for me. You just thought it was a cute crush. Oh you were so wrong. I fell in love with you so badly it hurt me so much when you pushed me away. It hurt me to see you hurt. I'm sorry I love you. Please forgive me.

It still hurts. It all still hurts: The thought of you. I thought I was getting better; getting better about forgetting the face I haven’t seen for so long. Getting better at forgetting the way your voice always made me smile, and made my complex life seem so much simpler. About forgetting the eyes that made me melt within your presence and even through your pictures. I thought I was getting better; I was wrong.

One day you'll look back, and realize how you treated me. And Maybe, just maybe... You would do something silly like call me up, and tell me you're sorry. And you know what? I'd forgive you, again. Why? Because you're the person who used to be my best friend. I love you for that. And I'd willingly risk my well being to have a chance at having that person back in my life. Even though it seems that person not around anymore and I really don't know where she went. :'(

"It's hard to sit there and watch you make stupid choices, but the truth is I can't live your life for you. I just hope that one day you'll learn from all your mistakes."

"Eleven Hints for Life"

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Episode 113: Angry Eyes.

After a very long time of not seeing each other, with some other friends, they met again. After the two of them were left alone, She finally said,"Please don't look at me with those angry eyes. Please remember that it was you who pushed me to cross the line. You gave me the reason to think that I don't have anymore reason to stay any longer. It was you who's always been very vocal about saying you loved me. I don't say it as often as you did but hey... I stood by you until the very last moment. But why is that when I left, it seemed that everything was my fault when in fact its not just because of me? And now, we are sitting here face to face after a very long time and I can see anger in those eyes, I came here as friend like how we used to be, long before a relationship even started and ended, So please stop looking at me like its all my fault because I am here right now, still single and you are here right now.. attached. Now, tell me its my fault and that you loved me. Yes, I wasn't as vocal as you were but I kept my word the moment I said I love you."

Episode 112: April Fools Day

how was your April fools day?
did anyone get you?

feelings...
why do i still have these feelings for her? it wasn't suppose to end up like this. i didn't plan for it to happen. what should i do with it? this feelings just confuse me... i wish someone would come and take it all away.

work...
I've been working over 200 hours or more every month. its been very tiring physically and mentally. i still find it amazing that I'm still standing sometimes.

today a girl dropped by the store to give me a box of cake. looks yummy...
i mean the cake looks yummy, not the girl looks yummy!
hahaha....

just in case you can't find me next week, I'll probably be in jail...
why? its a long story...

Episode 111:

So, I guess its almost been over a month or so of non-interaction. its kind of weird in a way but I'll just get used to it. But the memories are still there, they won't go away. life without the minahs and the ungrateful girls has made it more quiet for me. less complicated.

work has been crazy. not because of the workload, but more because of the drama that's going on. its funny to see these things happen again. adults should act as adults. show a good example to all. i just don't see it with them. always wanting their way and not looking for solutions. its sad to see that. I've stayed way too long with this company...

the weather's been nice this few days. dark, gloomy,cold... suits me just fine i think.

Episode 110: Kena Komplain?!

Something funny happened yesterday at work. Received a call from the higher-ups. Apparently, someone complained about me! So I asked what they complaint was about. They told me that I didn't give a customer their free magnet.

What!?

A free magnet.

What!?

That's all.

What!?

I couldn't believe it. Just because of a gay looking magnet they complained about me... What is wrong with people nowadays? Complaining about such small things... Theres more to life than some free magnets! Get a life people!

You make me sick!

Episode 109

Now I find myself always alone. You said that you care but you don't. And then when you got what you wanted, you leave and want nothing to do with me. You kept taking and taking and soon there was nothing for you to take.

You were just using me. The whole time. I never even thought you'd be the one to treat me this way. I see how wrong I was and how right everyone else was.

So, I left you and I want you to know that in the end, it wasn’t because I stopped caring, it’s because you stopped being a friend.

Episode 108: Try Again.

I went to apply for a new job again yesterday. Not sure if i'll get it though. Not getting my hopes up on this one, just leaving it to God. But I do hope I do get it. It will sure help out my situation right now.

Fingers crossed!

Episode 107

Just wanted to say that I am a little bit pissed off with someone right now... I can't say who because that person might get upset about it. But it seems like its okay for others to get hurt but not for this person .

Hey, you can say whatever you want about me, think whatever of me, I really don't care. But one point to take note, just don't let me find out about it. I'm really starting to wonder what is going on in that head of yours... You're actually starting to believe all the crap that's coming out from it!

I hope our paths don't cross again cause if it does, it won't be pretty.

Bet on it.

Episode 106: Things I Hope To Buy.

not much to think about here... just a random list of things i wanna get. hopefully by the end of the year, i'll manage to get some of these things...

1. Printer- I've been wanting to get one since forever... but somehow i never got around to actually buy it! time to try again...


2. Shoes- I only own 3 pairs but i have this one pair with its sole peeling off. and its my favourite pair as well!


3. Watch- I have 2 watches. first one is from my dad. unfortunately, the strap to that watch broke! how am i going to get another levi's watch strap in singapore?? the other one was given to me by someone very special to me. but now, she doesn't care about me anymore... so sad.. so wearing it will only bring back memories. i was thinking of getting those huge casio g-shock watches cause they're so cool!! oh, did i say that they're frickin huge too??


4. Handphone/ MP3- Not so sure about these 2 items. maybe, i'll just get newer models of what i have now. call it an upgrade...

so thats it for now.. i'll cancel them off one by one when i get them. anybody wants to sponsor me??

Episode 105: The Letter.

Dear love of my life,

I haven't met you yet, but I am more than anxious to, I haven't kissed your soft lips yet, but I'm dying to, and I'm writing this letter to assure you that you will be treated with the highest respect, and most greatest care. By the time I have met you, I would have endured plenty of heartaches, upset stomachs, sleepless nights, and useless fights. But I promise you those events leading up to our encounter will make you somehow fall for me even more, and will someway make me appreciate you beyond anything I have ever loved. I promise you, that when I fall for you, you'll wish you met me sooner, but there my love, is how this all ties together, the greatest experiences are those you must patiently rely on time, 'cause meeting you will be anything but a coincidence.

Sincerely, your future guy.

P.S. I really can't wait.

Episode 104: Goodbye.

Sometimes I ask myself if you're just playing around with my feelings... I've tried so hard to get over you but every single time I see your face, I can't help but to fall in love again with you... You have the power to make me feel weak inside. I always knew when you came back that you will be with somebody else, so that is why for now I will say goodbye to you, but no doubt you will always have my heart...

I'm feeling so lost now.

Episode 103: Broken

Having a broken heart sucks.

Everyday you go on, doing all that is expected of you. But it's all just a show. Your heart has shattered into a billion unmendable pieces and its just a crumpled up mess inside of you. You think you have nothing else to protect because you believe that all that is worth fighting for has been taken from you. . . But that's not entirely true. If you are to be honest to all of those around you, about how much you don't even care anymore about if you live or die, you risk hurting the one's closest to you. And as far as i know, I'd rather die a trillion times then see what ever is left of my family and friends hurt. Because, for me, that's the worst possible punishment.

I can't stand hurting anyone else.

Episode 102: Hopeful

After my last post, I sat down and thought for a long time. Trying to make sense of what happened and why it happened. This is what I came up with:

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

I've always thought she was the "amazing" thing to have happened to me. Even though she might think otherwise, I still feel the same way now. Seeing how well she's doing, I couldn't help but be a little jealous of her. But its okay now and I can accept that. Life is sure hard for me. Some people just get all the lucky breaks but not me. I have to scratch, claw to get what I want.

So I guess I'll continue to work hard at what I do and be kind to those around me because that's all I can be. Hopefully, someone notices me. And maybe a nice looking girl too!

By the way, I congratulated her but she said I was being sarcastic.

I hate you.

Episode 101: Pathetic

I thought that it would be good idea. A mini reunion of some sort. Besides, its been quite a while since we all saw her.

Well, I guess I thought wrong.... Again.

All I wanted to say at that moment just couldn't come out. What's wrong with me? Instead, feelings of bitterness started to take over. Why? I just don't know...

They spoke the whole time while I just sat there silent. Only opening my mouth when needed to, saying half hearted replies. They began talking about their jobs and their love life.

And then it hit me. Slowly but surely I was starting to feel sorry for myself. Feeling pathetic about being me. I don't know if they meant to do it or not but it did happen.

I should have left just now. Regretting it right now...

I swear to God nobody will ever do that to me again. I'll promise myself that.

Episode 100: Special People

Things will come at you in life, and you'll need special people around you to help face them, so don't get sucked in by the show-offs or the smooth talkers. It's the quiet ones, who watch and listen and care, that you need to look out for. And if you find one, don't ever let them go. Not even when you're afraid of where it might take you, when you're scared of what you really might feel if you let yourself. You have to be brave, because you don't get much time and you don't get many chances to find someone who will respect you, listen to you, and love you completely for who you are.

I believe this much is true.

Episode 99: Sick

I'm sick of life... I'm sick of all the pointless drama...but most importantly, I'm sick of loving someone that doesn't even know I exist....

Can I get an MC tomorrow and not come to work? Yeah.... like that will happen.

Episode 98: MEANING TO WHAT GIRLS SAY AFTER A BREAK UP.

"I can't believe i wasted my time with him!"
ACTUAL MEANING- i can't believe we ended.

"I don't need him!"
ACTUAL MEANING- I wish he still needed me.

"I'm way to good for him!"
ACTUAL MEANING- I wonder what i did wrong.

"He wish he had this"
ACTUAL MEANING- I wish i had that.

"Whatever he was a bad boyfriend anyways"
ACTUAL MEANING- I can't stop thinking how he hugged me.

"yeah he'll never get another girlfriend like me"
ACTUAL MEANING- I hope he never gets another girlfriend.

"i don't care if i ever see him again"
ACTUAL MEANING- I really hope the next time i see him i look extremely good and he is going to get jealous and want me back.

"yeah, I'm okay that we broke up. i mean I'll get over it, it's fine thanks for caring though"
ACTUAL MEANING- i am slowly breaking inside. Please do not give me any bad news for the next few months. Thanks.

"He is so annoying"
ACTUAL MEANING- i miss how much me and him use to talk.

"Ew he is actually dating her? hahaha ew"
ACTUAL MEANING- Crap. he's dating her? is she really better than me?

"No one would ever want to go out with him"
ACTUAL MEANING- i hope he doesn't want to go out with anyone else.

"God i really hope he isn't at the party"
ACTUAL MEANING- i really hope he is at the party, but only if he notices me.

"I wish he would just leave me alone!"
ACTUAL MEANING- i wish we were what we use to be.

"I just need my girls right now"
ACTUAL MEANING- i need someone to listen to me complain and help.

"i can't believe i went out with him"
ACTUAL MEANING- i can't believe i can't stop thinking about him.

"Good. I'm glad he'll finally leave me alone"
ACTUAL MEANING- i really hope he'll find time to talk to me.

"I was going to break up with him anyways"
ACTUAL MEANING- damn. I'm going to miss him.

A useful guide for the guys. Very helpful!

Episode 97: I miss her

On the days when we are close again, we fall back into doing our secret thing. She looks at me, or I look at her, and we both smile, and she smiles her special smile that I used to think was just for me. But I bet she does the secret thing with him too, and any number of other guys that she flirts with nowadays.

I just can't stop thinking about her...

Episode 96: Being truthful.

I don't have time for fake people. I don't care for those girls who only talk about their hair, their clothes, or which boys they've dated. You've gotta be real. Don't complain about how much you hate someone, then talk to them like your best friends. And when you don't like a guy, tell him. Don't lead him on pretending you do, then hurting him in the end. Or if you do like a guy, tell him. Don't play hard to get. If you don't like someone, tell them. Walk right up to them and slap them across the face for all I care. And if you do like someone, tell them before it's too late.

I've actually met someone like this before... I wonder how she's doing now?

Episode 95: Moving On...

"Don't waste your time on an old relationship. It didn't work out for a reason, and if it ended once.. it will end again. People don't change, no matter what anyone may think or say. You may have been in love, but when you find someone else you realize how much happier your are with them. You may sometimes think that you want what you had back, but don't go back to the people that have hurt you.. they will hurt you again. Love can be created with someone new, it just takes time."

Is it really that hard to move on with your life?

Episode 94: The Secrets Of Happiness?

1. Worry less.
2. Smile more.
3. Accept criticism.
4. Take responsibility.
5. Listen & Love.
6. Don't hate.
7. Embrace change.
8. Feel good anyway.

I'm giving it a try.... Who knows? It might just work for me... You should give it a try too...

:-D